On Listening

A curious case! Verdict, please.

We indeed have read Stephen Covey's Habit No.5 in his book "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People". To quote:

"you have spent years learning how to read and write, years learning how to speak. But what about listening? What training or education have you had that enables you to listen so that you really, deeply understand another human being from that individual's frame of reference?"

Yes. That book sits cosily in our bookcases or on our work desk.

Millions of quotes are available to read on the art or essentials of listening. So what do we do about them except copy them for our WhatsApp status or on Instagram or Facebook walls?

So have there been several scores of books written and copious articles authored on listening and published.

Yet, we struggle with it and hear at home "Listen to me first, Tina, before you go out" or "Listen to what Papa says and don't cry" or that famous clarion call to husband "Ajee, Sunte Ho? [Are you listening?]." Scene changes to the office: "Had you listened properly, the result would have been better", and at the seminars/workshops, many listen with the intent to reply instead of to understand or to fidget with the pen or look out of the window. We have also seen some leaders stomping out a discussion instead of listening, right?

Are schools any better where the class begins with the teacher declaring, "Listen, children…." and the whole class goes berserk?

Is it more of a 'listening' problem or the 'presentation' by the speaker?     Let's dive in:

Semantics aside, We first need to be active listeners. The complex Chinese character for "listening" tries to solve this puzzle. It contains the characters for "Ear", "Eyes", "Heart of empathy", and "Mind or Undivided attention." The essentials of listening!!

So, if we tune in or activate these four characteristics together, there is the likelihood of being an "Active Listener." Else, we may hear something but not listen. Zeno, a Hellenistic thinker of Citium, Cyprus and Founder of Stoic School of Philosophy who taught in Athens about 300 BC, had said, "We have 2 ears and 1 mouth, so we should listen more than we say".

Speech is made up of words, and typically 100 to 200 words are spoken per minute. So we generally understand only 20 to 30% of them - a good shorthand writer is an exception! The only other exception, perhaps, is if we are listening to the digital presentation or talks/lectures, we can speed down or up so we understand better. But, sadly, we can't do this when a parent, a child, a teacher or that boss in office is speaking. However, we can only muster the strength to tell them to go slow [or finish fast as we are bored listening].

Indeed these few tips should do magic:

1. Using your power of observation – concentrate on what is spoken, observe minutely, watch facial expressions, gestures, body language and use eye contact.

2. Ask questions to clarify what is said. Don't be "I-know-it-all" type."

3. Reflect feelings, be empathetic.

4. Restate and re-phrase things and ask the speaker to correct you, if necessary. It has the dual advantage of helping you get things straight and letting the speaker know you are on the same page.

5. Let your body give reassuring messages to reflect an understanding and interest in problem-solving.

6. Do not allow your attitudes and prejudices to distort what you hear.

7. Avoid being judgemental; and

8. Avoid anger or over-react.

9. Some years back, I remember reading in the Corporate Dossier of The Economic Times about what some business leaders had said on the art and benefits of listening.  https://economictimes.indiatimes.com/how-ceos-hone-their-listening-skills/articleshow/45371536.cms]

As per Mr Krishna Kumar, Vice-Chairman & MD of Phillips India, guys who speak well are not considered the smartest in Japan. In their culture, you have to listen carefully, understand and then talk.

He goes on to say that "Some salespersons are more articulate than others. So, one should control listening biases and listen to all those who don't express themselves well. And, avoid falling into the trap of listening only to some and disregarding others because they don't express themselves well." 

It was more interesting to read what Mr Harsh Goenka, Chairman of RPG Group, had said that he started attending management programs every month, which was about listening. He says he meets his executives where he describes the conversation as 95% listening. Yes. By him!!

The Points to Ponder:

Be respectful: don't pull rank; demonstrate that everybody's views matter.

Keep quiet: follow an 80/20 Rule. In a meeting, speak for only 20% of the time.

Third, ask Questions: Keep your questions to the point. Challenge assumptions.

Keep discussions small: Too many people translate to too many voices. You can't listen to all.

Finally, be Patient: Not everybody can explain a problem in bullet points.

Let me quote what Mr Mark McCormack has said in his book Success Secrets:

A big challenge for many business people is learning to speak less; this is unfortunate because, in theory, it is easy to do, but even if you talk less, you are only halfway home. When they are not talking, most people are busy rehearsing what they are going to say next. It is worse than talking too much because you are neither making a point nor hearing one.

It follows then that the biggest challenge in learning to listen is not simply to hear what other folks are saying but to listen aggressively. One should pay attention to the adjectives & adverbs people choose and their intonation in responding to specific topics. If you listen to how people say something, you will understand why they are saying it.

At the same time, never miss their body language, the unconscious visual clues that people send out can be very telling, but two problems make body language less telling than you think.

It would be best to consider the wide range of adjectives and adverbs that people choose to describe their reactions, for example.

I might like to do that could mean: I am non-committal.

On the other hand, what I want to do that would mean: tell me more.

I am prepared to do that, which could mean: so move on to the next topic.

I can think of nothing I would instead do, which could mean: done deal. 

I don't want to do that would mean : are there other options?

And lastly, I won't do that would undoubtedly mean: close the door on your way out.

Sometimes instead of listening, you are dense to pick up your verbal clues is not apt to read the non-verbal ones. So what happens? You keep on talking and talking and talking, whereas the trapped listener resorts to body language, squirm, tap fingers, scribble notes, reach for the phone nod their heads in agreement, but the effect at best is unpredictable.

• In such a situation, watch out for three statements -

• Firstly, you will have to get me out of this conversation which means the person is saying enough.

• Secondly, let me see if I can help you get where you seem to be going, which could be the person saying: I understand, and I can help you.

  In such a situation, stop talking.

• Thirdly and lastly: tell me what you think we should do, so these are the cues that a listener is sending that you should stop.

Well, Well, Well! If you say okay, you got about listening, but what about no one understands you even when you speak less, or should you speak more? So then, I must recommend to you a book by Heidi Grant Halvorson titled " No one understands you and what to do about it". Harvard Business Review Press publishes this book.

Ultimately, let me reiterate what Anand Kumarasamy has quoted in his book "Gandhi on Personal Leadership" [Jaico Books] what The Buddha said to his followers, in his version as the original one is a bit long: 

"Believe nothing. No matter where you read it or who said it, even if I have said it unless it agrees with your reason and common sense. Be a lamp unto yourselves."

And before I close, do comment on or criticise my work. Everything is welcome!