Valentine's Day Advisory

In Public Service

For years, IKEA has been planning special Valentine's Day events worldwide. Its global sales are now reported to have declined by 1% for the last two years. It's huge for it. This time around, it's all boring. Something like-

• Table for Two, five-course dinner with doodle art competition

• Make your dream bouquet. Bouquet?

• Select furniture and assemble... Under a watch of course.

• Sip and Paint

• In-store dates for singles

• Children's party...... really?

Nevertheless, if you were venture into assembling furniture, you might misplace the 'Allen Key'. Remember, that key is for happiness, not for breaking a relationship.

Now, before you fall in love or have already, better test it. That’s right.

You know how people say, “Love just happens”. No. Love doesn’t just happen.

Love is… tested. You have to make it happen. Usually in places nobody puts on Instagram.

Buying roses, chocolates, icecream, is such LS. The expectations are high. Here is what you can do:

Cafe Trips

Not for the coffee but conversation. Caution: know before hand what the other prefers tea or coffee. And to make things worse, there are varieties of coffee - good, bad and ugly.

Once upon a time, in a park, I asked her what she would like to have, and she said coffee. Aghast, I found there were only tea & ice-cream stalls and none catered coffee. I thought I was doomed but that evening the Lady Luck was on the rounds and love didn't desert me.

Coming back, if you can sit for 30 minutes:

• without checking your phone,

• without pretending to be interested,

• without interviewing each other like HR does.

There’s something there.

If one person is talking and the other is scrolling. That’s not a date. That’s a parallel existence.

Shopping & Trial Room Endurance

Now shopping. Specifically… trial rooms. You are also on trial. There are colours, and there are shades with funny names - understand the difference.

If someone is standing outside holding:

• Your purse, not your mobile, though

• five clothes

• three sizes

• One colour both hate

And still says, “Try one more”— Even if he doesn't pay for it.... Hahaha

That’s love. That’s Olympic-level patience.

Retail doesn’t test wallets. It tests character.

Experimenting with a Live-in?

Live-in relationships expose truths no poetry can hide. Even if it is for a day. It's like Bathroom Truth Serum. Forget toothpaste.

Let’s talk bathrooms.

• Wet floors

• Towels on beds; clothes on floors, tampers flare

• Hair in places hair shouldn’t be

• Empty toilet paper rolls were placed back like a prank

If you survive shared bathrooms without “passive-aggressive” silence, you’re ready for commitment with the hope or resolve that it can change for the better.

This is where romance meets reality.

Men: The washing machine doesn't pick up your clothes from the floor or take soap, and start automatically.

Of course, GenZ is forcing the manufacturers to introduce that feature. There is hope. Thank them later.

Travel: Personality Under Pressure

Better avoid it. You will most likely miss the flight and lose her bag (an important asset). Instead of actually going to Miami, you would land in the Miami housing society in Panvel.

Driving to a place? Avoid blindly following Google Maps. You might land on a bridge, in the middle of nowhere or on a bridge passing through a building or that infamous ‘4 to ka 2’ [lanes] bridge.

She expects a fine-dining experience, not your favourite roadside stall in Kalamboli for Vada Pav.

Travel doesn’t change people. It can bring them together, provided you follow this advice.

Cooking Together?

Good choice! One becomes a head chef. But be careful. It isn't as easy as boiling water, if you know how to, man.

Don't try to "help" and meddle. Just do it.

Please follow her cooking instructions - one inch Ginger means perfect one inch, understand the difference between a tea spoon, a table spoon and a soup spoon.

Slurp tea, soup or eat Dosa with a fork and knife at your risk.

The pressure cooker is tricky. However, you may be good at counting ten, but counting the number of whistles will trip you when the instructions are to turn the gas on sim after three whistles.

When cooking dinner, don’t burn the dinner or the relationship to earn the rating as “compatible.”

Better order food. Na tera na mera. Blame it on Rio... Sorry Zomato.

Love is also about survival. You know.

Coming to Conversation.

Conversation means plain conversation. Just because you are either studying law or already a lawyer doesn't mean you have a fundamental right to argue. Keep that Constitution book in your pocket. And for a change, don't follow the principles from that book “Thank You for Arguing.”

If your love survives that, cross your heart.

Men, even if your lady-love likes flowers, that doesn't mean you should present a bouquet of 1000 roses, however expensive they are on Valentine's Day, and expect her to make Gulkand and gift you the next day. Don’t be a Braveheart.

And one last thing: don't narrate to her what you wrote or intend to write on Substack.

Enjoy your day, but don’t legalise love too early. St.Valentine cautions:

"Marriage isn't a competition with your friends, and when you rush into marriage, you are likely to rush out with injuries"

That prompts me to hum a song from Jagate Raho-

“Te ki main jhooth bolya, koi na

Te ki main kufar tolya, koi na

Te ki main zehar gholya

koi na, bhai koi na, bhai koi na…

Balle balle balle balle”

You are free to agree, disagree and protest. As long as there is freedom, exercise your right, but don’t forget to Like and to: